update turned Fibro Rant

Sam has been gone about six weeks now. Thanksgving is this thursday, and after that, the onslaught of our holidays.

his birthday

christmas

my birthday

new years

blah, I'm thinking about just boycotting the holidays this year. I'm just going to take Emery and lock ourselves away in my apartment.I will only leave to get groceries, and i will only go to grocery stores that won't be displaying stuff like walmart will. I know I cannot avoid the holidays altogether, but I can do my best at pretending they don't exist.

It's sad, I love holidaysm even little things like memorial day or St Patricks Day I celebrate religiously. Without Sam I just don't feel like doing anything.

On top of Sam being gone I have been coming to terms with my Fibromyalgia diagnosis I recieved in July. I've had it for years, and I have known that, but it seems that now that it has a name, and I know all that it entails, it's worse, if only because i know it has no cure, It's starting to settle into my head and Sam's that I will never be the girl I was before we got married. I will probably never be able to ride in a car again that I wasn't driving without fear of getting sensory overload and getting severely sick from it. I will probably never be able to stand driving at night with all the bright headlights in my eyes not overloading my senses. No more roller coasters, limited crowds.And I will probably never be able to have the energy and 'voom' that I used to have.

It scares me, and it scares Sam. I am only 21 years old. Most people diagnosed with said condition has already lived their life, or at least experienced it. I haven't. Im just starting out. I have so many goals and dreams, and now I am realizing that the majority of those dreams will never be realized, and the ones that are possible will have to be modifed quite a bit.

It's been quite a depressing realization, and both Sam and I have struggled with it. We wanted to wait til we were at least twenty five years old to have children, but now are scared that if we wait too long I won't have the stamina to be a full time mother to the three children we had hoped for if we wait so long. There isn't much evidence, but from what I have found, fibromyalgia sufferers tend to worsen in age, or to develop more symptoms. Now Sam and I are considering having children at 23. I turn 23 in thirteen months! I wanted to live more before that, but now it may be the best time to have the one child.

All in all fibromyalgia won't kill me. The sleep deprivation and pain won't kill me. The resulting anxiety issues and depression won't kill me. But it doesn't mean that it doesn't suck. I wish that if I had to have this issue, my body could have waited the twenty years til I was the average age. I'm not used to being unemployed and hardly going to school.

It's bad enough my husband is gone.

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/end rant

sorry, but this blog isn't personal enough for my liking. I started this as a type of journal and way of organizing my thoughts, and it turned into a de-personalized expression of life I wasn't living. I will now be posting more often and more or less human like.

It is what it is.